A dog who was a little bit older and tired looking came to visit me the other day. He just wandered into my yard.
When I looked at him, it was apparent that the dog was fed and taken care of. He also had a collar so I knew he had his own home.
I petted him on the head, then went inside… he followed me.
He walked down the hallway to a quiet part of the house, laid down, curled up, and took a nap.
A little while later, he woke up and went to the door so I let him out.
This same pattern repeated every day for a couple of weeks. He came, slept for a while and then left.
After a while, the curiosity got to me. I wrote a note and attached it to his collar.
The note was directed to his owner, whoever they were, and asked if they knew that they had an awesome dog that came to visit me everyday so he could take a nap.
I wondered if the dog would return after that, but just like clockwork, he came back the next day.
This time, he had a different note attached to his color.
It said: “His home includes 6 children and several of them are not yet three years old. He’s tired and needs a quiet place to take a nap. Can I come next time?”
Let me give you a list of just some of the things I must remember to be a good Dog.
I will not eat the cats’ food before they eat it or after they throw it up.
I will not roll on dead seagulls, fish, crabs, etc., just because I like the way they smell.
The Litter Box is not a cookie jar.
The sofa is not a ‘face towel’.
The garbage collector is not stealing our stuff.
I will not play tug-of-war with Dad’s underwear when he’s on the toilet.
Sticking my nose into someone’s crotch is an unacceptable way of saying ‘hello’.
I don’t need to suddenly stand straight up when I’m under the coffee table.
I must shake the rainwater out of my fur before entering the house – not after.
I will not come in from outside and immediately drag my butt.
I will not sit in the middle of the living room and lick my crotch.
The cat is not a ‘squeaky toy’ so when I play with him and he makes that noise, it’s usually not a good thing.
- Golden Retriever: The sun is shining, the day is young, we’ve got our whole lives ahead of us, and you’re inside worrying about a stupid burned out bulb?
- Border Collie: Just one. And then I’ll replace any wiring that’s not up to code.
- Dachshund: You know I can’t reach that stupid lamp!
- Rottweiler: Make me.
- Lab: Oh, me, me!!!! Pleeeeeeze let me change the light bulb! Can I? Can I? Huh? Huh? Huh? Can I?
- Tibetan Terrier: Let the Border Collie do it. You can feed me while he’s busy!
- Jack Russell Terrier: I’ll just pop it in while I’m bouncing off the walls and furniture.
- Poodle: I’ll just blow in the Border Collie’s ear and he’ll do it. By the time he finishes rewiring the house, my nails will be dry.
- German Shepherd: I’ll change it as soon as I’ve led these people from the dark, checked to make sure I haven’t missed any, and make just one more perimeter patrol to see that no one has tried to take advantage of the situation.
- Cocker Spaniel: Why change it? I can still pee on the carpet in the dark.
- Doberman: While it’s dark, I’m going to sleep on the couch.
- Boxer: Who cares? I can still play with my squeaky toys in the dark.
- Chihuahua: Yo quiero Taco Bulb.
- Irish Wolfhound: Can somebody else do it? I’ve got this hangover….
- Pointer: I see it, there it is, there it is, right there….
- Greyhound: It isn’t moving. Who cares?
- Yorkshire Terrier: I’m over qualified, have the boxer do it!
- Australian Shepherd: First, I’ll put all the light bulbs in a little circle..
- Old English Sheep Dog: Light bulb? I’m sorry, but I don’t see a light bulb?
- Hound Dog: ZZZZZZzzzzz.z.z.z..z..z..z…z
- Schnauzer: Bark bark bark. Mom, the light bulb is out…bark bark bark bark… MOM! I said the light bulb is out! Bark bark bark bark bark… MOM!!! WHAT PART OF THAT DIDN’T YOU HEAR? I MEAN HELLO????
- Shih Tzu: Who me change a light bulb? We are royal decedents and we have staff to do that for us.
And what about CATS?
Cats: Dogs do not change light bulbs. People change light bulbs. So, the question is: How long will it be before I can expect light?
All of which proves, once again, that while dogs have masters, cats have staff.
Letter To The Animals
Dear Dogs and Cats,
The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note, placing a paw print in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.
The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Beating me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn’t help because I fall faster than you can run.
I cannot buy anything bigger than a king sized bed. I am very sorry about this. Do not think I will continue sleeping on the couch to ensure your comfort. Dogs and cats can actually curl up in a ball when they sleep. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out the other end to maximize space is nothing but sarcasm.
For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom. If by some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, meow, try to turn the knob or get your paw under the edge and try to pull the door open. I must exit through the same door I entered. Also, I have been using the bathroom for years — canine or feline attendance is not required.
The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other dog or cat’s butt. I cannot stress this enough!
To pacify you, my dear pets, I have posted the following message on our front door:
To All Non-Pet Owners Who Visit & Like to Complain About Our Pets:
- They live here. You don’t.
- If you don’t want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture. (That’s why they call it ‘fur’niture.)
- I like my pets a lot better than I like most people. To you, it’s an animal. To me, he/she is an adopted son/daughter who is short, hairy, walks on all fours and doesn’t speak clearly.
Your Pet Parents
QUESTIONS FROM A DOG
by Petplace.com staff
Why do humans smell the flowers, but seldom, if ever, smell one another?
When we get to heaven, can we sit on the couch? Or is it still the same old story?
Why are there cars named after the jaguar, the cougar, the mustang, the colt, the stingray, and the rabbit, but not ONE named for a Dog? How often do you see a cougar riding around? We do love a nice ride! Would it be so hard to rename the ‘Chrysler Eagle’ the ‘Chrysler Beagle’?
If a Dog barks his head off in the forest and no human hears him, is he still a bad Dog?
We Dogs can understand human verbal instructions, hand signals, whistles, horns, clickers, beepers, scent ID’s, electromagnetic energy fields, and Frisbee flight paths. What do humans understand?
More meatballs, less spaghetti, please.
Are there mailmen in Heaven? If there are, will I have to apologize?